


Talking to my Ghosts

by writewithurheart



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 08:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13073361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writewithurheart/pseuds/writewithurheart
Summary: Prompt from jackkellyssweetheart on tumblr: write Leia having a conversation with ghost Han about Poe and how she feels guilty treating him like a son even though they had a sonThis turned into a little more than that.Warnings: Canonically Dead Characters, slight spoilers for The Last Jedi (nothing specific but I figured I’d add the warning to be safe)





	Talking to my Ghosts

**Talking to my Ghosts**

There’s a holo that always sits in Leia’s pocket, pictures that carry her through when times seem darkest: a picture of her, Han, Chewie, and Luke; a picture of Han and Ben; a picture of her and Po; her wedding photo...

Their marriage had always been an unconventional one, but then Han and Leia had never had the most conventional of relationships either. They married after a war, a fight that had been going on for their entire lives. Their love was borne of conflict and never really changed. They were best friends - the two people left behind after Luke told them:

_I’m thinking about starting a new temple, Leia. A way to keep the Jedi Order alive, to train those who are sensitive. Like us._

They were happy.

_I found the perfect spot. All I need now are students._

Ben was a gift they received at the height of their happiness, after they set the world in order as best they could. Leia had been reunited with the few survivors of Alderaan, had created a name for herself as a leader, and then Ben came and filled another place in her heart. 

_He’s strong in the Force. I can sense it._

He had been a happy baby, prone to laughter and smiles at the drop of a hat. His father’s darling, even if Chewie hated how he could get into the wires of the Falcon. Han had taken him everywhere, showed him off to everyone they met. When Ben had started to float his toys around the room,  Han had been both freaked out and enthused. He wanted Ben to be trained, but he hadn’t wanted to send him away.

_I don’t see why he can’t be trained here. It’s not like we’re telling him to repress his emotions or anything._

Leia didn’t see the need for Ben to be trained as a Jedi. He was her little boy and Force knows Leia had never been trained, not beyond a few exercises. She blames it at least partially on Old Obi-wan Kenobi’s practices, but honestly, she’s never begrudged Luke his training. She hadn’t wanted to be parted with her darling boy, but they let him go.

_He’ll be safe with me. I promise._

She hadn’t realized it was already too late. 

_Leia, he’s fine. I promise._

The dreams were her first clue, dreams that woke her with a scream caught in her throat, dreams that sent Han speeding across the galaxy to check on Ben in person. Despite assurances from her husband and brother, Leia knew something had happened. She sent her boy away and each time she saw him, he smiled less.

_His training is going well._

When he’s twelve, he comes home for a week. She had been fighting with the senate, calling for stronger action against the rising First Order, and the Dark Side that she sensed rising with it. Luke had arrived with him to add his own understanding of the Force to the discussion. Ben had been in the garden of their home, meditating, when Han and Leia had found him. That was the first time her son hadn’t smiled when he saw her. Instead, he had bowed politely.

_The initiates meditate. It helps center them._

Oh, she had screamed at Luke after that, demanded answers to how her loving, caring, happy son had become so distant. HOW?

_He’s been distant lately. It’s why I brought him with me. He needs to reconnect with you._

That’s the last time she sees her son. Her Ben.

_Leia...I’m sorry._

The agony afterwards shatters her. It shatters not just her, but everything. Han leaves, unable to stay with her for long while they still suffer the loss of their only son.  Ben had been everything to both of them. They could never look each other in the eyes without seeing him. And they had lost him to the worst possible thing: Snoke.

The Dark Side.

_I’m sorry._

“I’m sorry.” Leia whispers the words to the picture of Han holding a baby Ben Solo, both their eyes wide with wonder. “I am so sorry.”

“Come on, princess. What’s there to be sorry for?”

Leia doesn’t have to look up from the photo to know who’s talking. She would recognize that voice anywhere. It drove her to annoyance and distraction and passion over and over again throughout the years. “For not loving him like you do.”

The bed she’s perched on sinks as he sits next to her. “Your his mother, of course you love him. You still think he can be saved.”

“I’m not sure I do, Han,” she confesses, finally looking away from the photo to stare into his eyes, eyes brimming with confidence and assurance. “Not the way you do.”

“He’s our kid.”

“He isn’t,” she insists. Her hands curl into fists. “Our son wouldn’t do all the things Kylo Ren has done. He wouldn’t murder innocents, and pervert democracy all for the name of his crazy obsession with his grandfather. My son loved flying. He drank those blue drinks because he liked the color but always spit them out because he hated the taste. That was Ben Solo. I don’t recognize this thing he’s turned into.”

“Ben is still in there.” Han’s hand wraps around her wrist, pleading. “He can be redeemed.”

Leia lets out a shaky breath.

“He killed you, Han.”

The blue outline of his Force-ghost shifts then, looking a little less substantial.

“And if Rey couldn’t turn him back - if you couldn’t...then I don’t know who can.” The words are laborious, painful to speak out loud. She’s thought them before, in her darkest moments, but never spoken them aloud, especially not to him.

“Leia…”

“I don’t recognize him anymore, Han. You were always the believer. I was the rationalist. I’ve been preparing for the worst for years. Luke tried to believe, but in the end he didn’t think we could turn him either.” And she felt his death in the Force. There’s no one left…

“Ben didn’t listen to you. It’s been years since I saw my son in that Sith.” A dry sob catches her by surprise. “He’s not my son.”

“But that pilot is,” Han murmurs, his hand landing on her back, just a pulsing massage of Force energy. “That cocky kid.”

She laughs around the tears of grief. “Po...he reminds me of you.”

Her grief is a wave that threatens to pull her under. She’s lost too many people. Too many. To death, to the Dark Side, to their own bull-headed stupidity. She’s lost it all. But she looks at these kids, so full of that spark, so full of hope and she knows that this isn’t the end.

She sees hope.

Resiliency.

Love.

She sees it in Po, in Rey, Finn, Rose, and in all the other names and faces on this ship.

The Rebel Alliance is her baby. The faces, her family.

Po. Po is her son. The son of her heart, the person she’s fostered and trained. He’s her legacy and it tears her apart because she should feel that way for someone else, for Ben. It’s a betrayal to feel it for anyone else.

“Hate to break it to you, highness, but he’s your kid too. They all are. You always had the habit of picking up strays.”

Leia sputters. “I had the habit? You’re the one who managed to pick up another Jedi!”

“Yeah, and the kid’s a genius. You seen her? She’s a stellar pilot. All that talent wasted being a Jedi.” He hurumphs and mutters. He holds up a hand. “The point is: you collect pathetic lifeforms.”

Leia shoots him a bemused look.

He holds up his hands. “Fine. We. We collect pathetic lifeforms.” He turns serious. “You’re a mother to far more than just our son. It’s okay to love them too.”

“I gave up on our son.”

“You didn’t.” Han sighs. “I told you I would bring him back and I failed.” He takes a deep breath. “It was his choice, Leia. We couldn’t make it for him. He chose this path.”

Leia’s heart breaks with the words. If Han’s admitting defeat… “What happened to the man who laughed at the odds?”

He smiles sadly. “His son stabbed him with a lightsaber.”

Silence surrounds them for a moment, peace in a sea of grief as they mourn their son together. It soothes the agony in her. She’s kept hope alive for Ben. Even now, there’s a spark just waiting to be ignited. It’s a spark she doesn’t have time to fan because there’s so many more people to think about, so much to lose if they don’t defeat the first order.

“They’ll have to defeat him to win the war.” A reminder for him as much as for herself, a reminder that if their son stands with the First Order, then he is their enemy.

Han squeezes her hand. “Their your kids, Leia. They’ll fight for the oppressed, the downtrod. Po and the rest of them. You taught them how to do it, how to lead, how to keep the spark alive. Hell, I don’t know half the stuff you taught them, but they’re going to do it. They’ll save the galaxy, even when we couldn’t.”

She smiles sadly. “I don’t think I’m going to live to see the end of this war.”

“Don’t talk like that, your worship. Always with the negative attitude.”

Leia reaches out to cup his cheek. She’ll join him soon. She can feel it in the Force. She’s lived long enough to teach the next generation how to fight for what’s right, but there’s still something else she has to do.

“May the Force be with you,” she whispers to him, one last time. “I love you.”

“I know,” he responds as he fades away, back into the Force, leaving her with a sense of serenity.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what this is or how it turned out, but I hope you like it and that it makes sense. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Comments/kudos appreciated <3


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